Monday, June 22, 2009

To The Dude In My Apartment, Part 1!

What follows is a true story.
It's 3:30 a.m. on a Friday morning. I hope I don't ruin the story by telling you I'm usually sleeping at that time. Because I was - and very soundly at that. Oscar is usually sleeping right next to me randomly kicking me in his sleep and tonight was no exception. The nice thing about Oscar is that he isn't a barker. I have very little patience for yappy dogs and it's one of the fine qualities of 'Scar that make us such dear friends. My Mother breeds Papillons. They're those little tiny dogs with flowing ear hair that always need to be carried. Not really my type of dog to say the least. They're also, perhaps, one of the most yappy dogs in history. It has fortified my distaste for them. I'll just say it - I sorta hate them.
Papillon: French For Annoying
But not Oscar. Nope, he only barks when either someone knocks on the door or gives a single, quick, little bark when he hears someone outside. I equate it to a warning bark. It's like he's saying to the passing stranger, "Hey Douchebag, you know there's a dog in here right?" And at 3:30 a.m. on a Friday morning, that's the bark I heard.

Oscar: French For Awesome
Naturally, as I awoke from the bark, I assumed there were some people walking past the apartment being too loud. I mumbled something to the effect of, "shub up Oskber", gave him a slight nudge and closed my eyes. Then, right as I began to drift back to sleep, I swore I heard what sounded like my front door opening. This caught my attention. A few possibilities began to sweep through my mind; 1. Is my neighbor getting home right now? I look at the clock. It's 3:30... No way. 2. Did I somehow leave the door ajar and the wind is slowly blowing it open? (Keep in mind my apartment door opens to the sidewalks of Soulard, not a hallway) No, there's no way I left the door ajar. I've been closing doors my entire life. I have experience. 3. Is someone in my apartment?
At first, that thought seemed unreasonable. I'm an avid locker of doors. I don't even think of it, really. It's like putting on a seatbelt to me... Just habit. Even when people come over, as I let them enter the door, I close it and subsequently lock it. So there was just no way someone was coming in without making a huge noise. Yet, as I sat up in my bed listening more carefully, I heard the distinct loud creaking my heavy front door makes when being opened. Yes, it was my door and it was being opened!
I immediately jumped out of bed and my first thought was to put on some pants. Nope, no time for that. I know what you're thinking... Luckily it was blue boxers day. Pink boxers day is Monday, everyone know that. I took the long walk from my bedroom door, through the kitchen and dining room, past the living room and approached the long hallway my door sits at the end of. On my way there I'm becoming more and more aware that there is indeed someone inside my apartment. I can hear his feet shuffling quietly. I'm barefoot and quite Ninja like in my light steps.
I have no idea what awaits for me as I'm about to turn the corner to face my first intruder, but for some crazy reason, I have no fear. I'm effing pissed. Never in a million years would I have even pretended that I'd be like that in a situation like this, but that's what was happening. For the first time in my life my "Fight" reflex was firing on all cylinders. It didn't matter who it was or that I was in my boxers... I was about to do something to the effect of ripping them apart.
So I take the corner and there he is...

Wow! This is exciting huh? This post is turning out so good I've decided to end it on a cliffhanger. Tune in later this week to find out what happens unless the box office receipts come back disappointing.

[Spoiler] - I don't die.


Jenn said...

OMG - I am seriously laughing out loud. I can completely picture the whole thing, well, minus you in your blue boxers.

Thank God I know how the story ends. I don't think I could take the suspense!

And again Papillons are the most adorable creatures in the world. I know you really love them.

Anonymous said...

Was it like this?

Liz said...

What happens next!?

Mary said...

Ha-I had to see if Jenn commented on your hatred of papillons.

I would never leave my (locked, of course) bedroom if I knew someone was in my place. I would call the police, grab the only weapon in the room (fire extinguisher) and freak out in bed.

Anonymous said...

Oh Dude! You're killin' me!


Hera said...

The suspense is killing me!

Anonymous said...

Dude! It's been 6 days...come on...update? Not fair to your readers...meh!