This Water Is Delicious. Seriously, Try Some Of This Water... Right?!?!

Seeing that this is the shortest day of the year I couldn't find a reason for not making this the longest article title of the year. Actually, I just making that up. I've been looking for a fake reason to make a long title like that and this is as good a fake reason as any. Oh, and look at that - less than a week since I wrote a post. My non-shaving plan is working out splendidly. I probably wouldn't have chosen today as a great day to write, but my beard is itchy.

Man oh man, is St Louis proud of it's water. And to be completely honest, they should be. As someone who was germophobically opposed to drinking from the tap, as soon as I drank St. Louis water, I was hooked. I'm seemingly not the only one who agrees. I saw a recent tweet from Mayor Slay (who does do his own tweets!) that claimed that St Louis water ranks as one of the tops in the country for cleanliness and taste.

You know what's hard about being Mayor? Everyone wants to prove you wrong, me included. Can we get an answer from the Google machine? *pointing to the top right of my screen* Google machine: "bleep bloop blop beep" Well, look at what we have here. Saint Louis ranks as having the 9th best water in the entire US of A for 2009.

Yes, I realize this doesn't make sense. We get our water from the Mississippi River - the garbage disposal of Chicago. Look, I don't make the rules here. It's states plainly on the Environmental Working Group's website that they are indeed "scientists," and if I know one thing about scientists it's that they specialize in science. Don't fight it. It makes you seem like the crazy one.

Now for the tricky one. Who cares how clean your water is if it tastes like a sewer? Plus, scientists can't prove that something tastes better than something else (actually they can - they're scientists and can do anything). Well, here's an idea. Get hundreds of the country's Mayors together, have them all rate tap waters, tabulate the results, get yourself a winner, and pray that nothing important happens the weekend of the year where no town has a mayor. Oh, it's happened? And St Louis wins! Wow, we really are in water heaven.

I've saved thousands, perhaps millions, of dollars on bottled water since I've moved here and it's all thanks to you, City of St Louis Water Division. I have no idea how you can take Chicago's sewage and somehow turn it into better water than the stuff they drink up there, but hats off to you. And from the looks of your website, I'd say you guys are still busy. The latest news is a rate hike in 2008 that was right on the heels of your win for best tasting water. I'm going to pretend you're working with scientists to make it even better. Think about it! New and improved water! I'd gladly pay more gents. For dramatic emphasis I think I'd like to write that again. I'd gladly pay more.

Immediately going to shave.

The Weirdest Beard In All Of St Louis

Hey, have you ever had one of those 2 months where you consistently find yourself not blogging? For someone who enjoys it as much as me, I can say, with relative certainty, that it's not something I want to go through again. To prevent this from ever happening again I figured, from now on, I better implement some repercussions.

Thinking of self-inflicted punishment is no easy task. I don't want to do anything that can do physical or psychological harm. Unfortunately, that takes up most forms of punitive measure. There's always embarrassment, but I've never been one to worry too much about that. Nope, I think it's going to have to be something that not only I would hate, but would play on my sense of vanity. The answer is so easy! I. will. grow. a. beard.

What? That doesn't impress you? Even with my dramatic writing style there using all the period nonsense? Well, think again. Not only were those periods awesomely dramatic, but facial hair is a bit different for me than most dudes. First of all, let's just put it out there... The nickname: I once was the assistant coach for my boss's daughter's softball team back in Chicago. These were only 12 year old girls and they had a nickname for me - Weird Beard (note to self: awesome roller derby name). The reason for this ridicule? I have ridiculously patchy facial hair growth. It literally grows in patches.

It's a bit hard to tell (or maybe not?) in the very scruffy picture at the top of the homepage, but I have whole oceans of face void of any hair where any normal man would grow face fur. It really does look, well, weird. This wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for work and generally looking presentable. I like to think it makes me look older.

One other strange fact about my facial hair is it's slow, easy-goin' growth. Seriously, I shaved Sunday morning - It's now Tuesday night and I barely look like I have a 5:00 shadow.That's a live shot as I write. Now combine that with the fact that my beard is, in fact, weird and maybe you can see where I'm going with this.

I'm making the commitment that I will not shave until I write a proper Arch Observer post. Don't you see? It works out perfectly. I'd likely have to write at least once a week unless I want to start showing up to client meetings looking like I tried shaving a map of Pangea into my face. A few weeks ago I took this picture:It was the point at which I couldn't let my facial hair grow out any further. My weird beard was itchy and becoming slobby. It was my breaking point - A breaking point that I can guarantee I'll be sneering to myself in the mirror about very soon.

I hope this works out because I need to do something... I've got all sorts of posts that need to be finished including a big one about my ride on the St Louis Metro with Courtney Sloger. There's video! Plus, the discovery of the graffiti wall!

Let's make this official, shall we? I, Jim Barnthouse, solemnly swear to not shave until I finish a new post on Arch Observer or until the coming internet wars destroy this site. Done and done.

Winter in St Louis Keeps Me Warm <-- See What I Did There?

Please don't count me as a fan of Winter. Ignore the fact that I love the holidays, fireplaces and the sudden plethora of clothing options. After you make fun of me in your head for a minute or two, forget about the way I jump around the house from window to window during the first good snow of the year. Instead, think about what sucks. Gloomy days, if you can even constitute 8 hours of daylight as a "day," tend to suck some of the life out of you that could have been well used on jumping around the house looking at frozen water crystals falling from the sky. Think about the week following a snowfall where the left over slushy snow turns wintery shades of black and grey. And then, of course, don't forget the bitch of them all, the cold.

Oh yeah, cold likes to mess with you. Right now it's the middle of October and 45 degrees feels pretty effing cold. You're all bundled up in a coat like you're hunting Sasquatch in Canada. But if this were January and the temp was 45, we'd all be running around in T-shirts like we're hunting Chupacabra. See? Jack Frost is straight up effing with us. And that's exactly what makes St Louis so great.

Once the shock wears off and we get used to the temperature, Winter is a fairly quick and harmless yearly ritual for St Louis. I say this comparatively, of course. I'm sure the Winter just seems like the Winter to native St Louisans, but to a Chicagoan it's awesome! It's as if Winter is just getting started and never gets to full strength. What is usually a good 4-5 months of demoralizing, snowy and blustery hell for Chicago is only 3 to St Louis. You have no idea the difference that makes unless you can do math. If you can't, the difference is 1-2 months. Metaphorically it's much bigger, though.

Actual photo of actual Chicago snow

Consider this; The average snowfall for St Louis in January is 5.4 inches total. Total! In Chicago that's fairly run of the mill for one snowfall! Average for the month in Chicago: 11.2 inches. A pretty large difference.

Still, even with so much less snow, St Louis is affected by snow more than Chicago. 3 Inches and the schools close down. The streets of Soulard never get cleared as far as I've seen. So maybe it all evens out? Nope.

The average high temperature in St Louis in January (the coldest month) is 39 degrees. The average high for Chicago in January doesn't even hit freezing! 31 degrees. My point is that even when it does snow in St Louis, and the city ridiculously grinds to a halt, the snow rarely lasts more than a few days. Meanwhile, in Chicago the snow-covers last weeks at a time. Psychological advantage: St Louis.

Here it is in rudimentary graph form:

You'll notice the only place Chicago and St Louis are tied is in the number of days in January.

The real trouble you get in a St Louis winter is the threat of ice storms. They happen fairly regularly here and although I wouldn't go so far as to call ice storms demoralizing, they do shut down a city something fierce. I suppose a shutdown city is good for at least one profession... Super-villain. They love that shit. For the rest of us though it's just the price we have to pay. A day or two stuck at home relaxing...

Anyway, St Louis, as you gear up for some good old fashioned winter depression, think about your neighbors to the north and then point and laugh. They have the Cubs AND worse weather. Things aren't so bad.

*Please note that I still love you Chicago. To prove it, I'd like to reenact a scene so common in movie relationship spats. Here goes... "Don't you dare shut me out" Annnd scene.

Arch Rival Roller Girls And A Man Named Clownvis

There's a moment in every man's life where he gets a hankerin' for some good, old fashioned girl-on-girl action. This is opposed to new fashioned girl-on-girl action which is stupid and probably just a fad. No, old fashioned is the way to go and I was lucky enough to see some of that hot, hot action with a dude named Clownvis. [Note: If you are my young cousin or one of my nieces from the future, this post is not actually about sex. I was using some double entendre to pull the reader in. Yeah, it's predictable and somewhat tasteless, but what can I do? Sex sells. Please visit your local library for more info on sex. Do not google that shit.]

On a late August night I headed down to the All American Sports Mall to check out the championship match of the region's Flat Track Roller Derby league, Arch Rival Roller Girls. Now, I'm not one to gloat, but I'm no stranger to Roller Derby. I'd seen a match or two on TV back in the 80's. You know what I'm talking about... Girls beating each other up on the rink in ridiculous WWF-like moves. Oh you don't? Well that's awesome because it gives me a reason to show you this!

Yeah, I'd seen that so I knew what to expect. It didn't matter that I had no effing clue how it was played - Because, really, who cares? I was about to see some straight up Jake The Snake style DDTs.

I had no idea how popular the Arch Rival Roller Girls were, but when I arrived 20 minutes early I was shocked that the place was packed. I had to park two parking lots away and the line to buy tickets was reaching far down the long hallway into the rink. Once I got through I headed up to the second level where the obligatory bar awaited me with the obligatory PBR special.

The first obvious difference between the above clip and the Roller Derby I was about to watch was that this match was going to be played on a flat track and there were no railings. "Audience participation," I whispered as I imagined the crowd surrounding the track shoving broom handles under skate wheels whilst dodging flying bloody girls.

As the lights dimmed the booming announcer uh, announced that we were going to have a special treat tonight. And then there he was. Perhaps the most perfect combination of two things people sometimes dress up as. Clown + Elvis = Clownvis. Or, the most awesome combination ever invented.

And then Clownvis went ahead and did something I wasn't expecting. He blew the effing roof off the place with the finest National Anthem I'd ever seen in a Sports Mall, either American or foreign. You could hear a pin drop. Need proof? Arch Observer video... "Give me a beat!"

I could barely contain my excitement for what I had just witnessed. It was the perfect introduction for what I expected to be a particularly violent and bloody derby.

Here's the thing... Yeah, that fake and ridiculously over the top Roller Derby you remember from the 80's? It's not like that at all now. It's an actual sport and one that I found more enjoyable and exciting as the night went on. In fact, I found myself getting really into it. They still hit each other but you aren't allowed to use your arms or legs. It's all about the hips and shoulders in real Derby. There's a ton of fast-paced slams and crashes but it isn't superfluous. There's strategy behind everything. The only issue you may have is figuring out the rules. Luckily, I don't have to go over them with you. Just check out Arch Rival Roller Girls website where they have a page dedicated to teaching you such things. And then, after that, check out some video.

One thing that hasn't changed is style. The Arch Rival Roller Girls are rocking some serious outfits of badassness. They also get to choose the names sewn/ironed/taped on to their jerseys. Some of my favorite names: Miss Lippy, Smarty McFly (her number is 1.21 Gigawatts!), Suri O'Killer, Riddle Lynn and Joltin' Josie. This makes me want to come up with a cool name for myself.... Damn, I just spent 15 minutes thinking of one and I've got nothing. How about Bad Ideas and my number can be zabillionity-gillion?

I know the new season starts sometime this Winter and you bet your black and blue ass I'll be there. Seriously, this is more fun than you are imagining right now. Plus, Clownvis could be there at a moments notice and that's something you can not miss. Point proven by watching the following video. Actually, all you need to do is forward it to 45 seconds and just hear a few lines of "Jesus Christ Eatin On A Chicken Wing." God bless America. And God bless you, Clownvis.

Woah. What happened?

I can't claim some sort of illness or being too busy. Actually, I can claim both, but I won't. Besides, my "illness" amounts to a three day cold and I had actual time to write. The problem was the parts where busy would happen would exhaust me enough that I preferred to think about blogging than actually doing it. Wait, you think it was just laziness don't you? Oh yeah? Take this -

Yep, that's me running a damn marathon on September 13th. That's 26.2 miles. I'm not sure how much you know about training for one of those but you spend a nice bulk of your week moving faster than any sane person - especially during the last month. It really cuts into your relaxing time. Add this to the fact that I've joined a new ad agency (St Louis based NGAGE), been partying it up at numerous Cardinals games (yay, we win) and continuously exploring/learning about living in St Louis (lots to write about) and you've got yourself a recipe for non-blogging.

Look, I know I'm not breaking any hearts here. And maybe if I hadn't claimed such frequent upcoming updates I wouldn't feel so guilty. That said, it's time for me to get back to while the getting is good. More free time + a backlog of St Louis fun = more Arch Observer-ing.

P.S. I really try not to make these posts about myself so here's a couple of extra apologies. Just put them in your pocket for an upcoming winter's day. Also, if you were a friend on Facebook you'd already know what I've been doing. Feel free to friend me if you're so inclined. http://www.facebook.com/observe

St Louis Summer Of Aught-Nine... Best Ever?

OK, just bear with me here. Calling anything "the best" is, of course, subjective. Tie that to the fact that summer isn't over yet and I'm seriously jumping to conclusions and I'm just fine with that for a couple of reasons. First, if you weren't aware, this blog is mostly based on opinion. (Fun fact: It is also loosely based on the classic children's movie The Neverending Story. Oscar is my Luck Dragon.) Second, has this not been an awesome summer so far? Even if the rest turns out horrible I can't help but place it number one on my list of all-time best St Louis summers. I will admit that only being here for one makes it a very short list.

Falcor the Luck Dragon

Probably the number 1 feature this summer has offered is the weather. It has been downright pleasant if you haven't noticed. Many days of just highs in the 80's, only the passing rain shower and cool breezes has made this a fine year to be outdoors. Compare that to what most people will tell you St Louis summers are like and you'll know how much of a nice surprise it's been. According to Microsoft and their crackerjack team of weather scientists, the average high for St Louis in June is 85F and in July 89F. August drops back down to 88, but we are still talking pretty hot there. This year? The 2009 June average high was 87F. The July average high was... wait for it... 84 degrees! Using mathematics I've calculated that this summer has been indeed cooler. So far through August we are right on schedule with an average of 88F, but I'm cool with that too. I think having such a mild summer makes the hot days seem less hot.

Even if we had one of those notoriously hot summer's here, do you know what makes up for it? St Louis has long, easy springs and falls. In Chicago autumn lasts maybe three weeks and being that it's my favorite season I always felt like I missed it. Hopefully that's not the case this year. I wouldn't want to miss out on October especially. Reason being...

Go Cardinals! It's been maybe the most fun year ever to be a Cardinals fan. We started the year as over-achievers still winning while playing with a weak line-up. Now, through brilliant and shrewd front office moves, we've got a serious team to go with some serious numbers (6). These games have been so fun to watch this year and I feel incredibly lucky that I'm able to experience so many of them first-hand. And this Albert Pujols guy... I'll be telling my grand kids about watching him play if I ever get around to having actual un-grand kids. It reminds me so much of the Jordan years for the Bulls. He just wills the team to win. And that's not easy considering there are so many plays that he has no opportunity to contribute to.

The people of St Louis are getting excited. Walk into a bar during a Cards game and that's all anyone is talking about. Actually, walk into a bar during anything other than a Cards game and that's still what everyone is talking about. It's just fun to be a part of.

In the meantime, St Louis continues it's re-emergence as a destination city again. Every year the city continues to take baby steps towards building a thriving downtown. Sure, there are always bumps on the road such as the death of the Metrolink expansion, but in only 8 months I've seen some huge improvements many of which I need to write about in greater length. The new Citygarden which takes a page out of Chicago's Millennium Park, the Old Post Office Plaza, the new downtown grocery store Culinaria, the emergence of Midtown - the area between SLU and Downtown, and perhaps most important, the early talks of how to tie downtown back to the Arch grounds/the river. Having the Allstar game here during the recession that brought many improvements and projects to a halt certainly gave us a boost that many cities did not have the luxury of receiving. Hopefully, we retain some of that excitement to get things done.

And if not, then the Nothing has won and all of Fantasia will be lost. By the way, I think the next project should be building the Oracles over the Mississippi River. They shoot lasers out of their eyes! That'll teach all of the Cubs fans coming down for the next Cards/Cubs series.

The NeverEnding Story- Limahl

Soulard Farmers Market Nestled In Summer

As promised months ago, I have returned to the Soulard Farmers Market to soak in all the culture during the warm and presumably more active months. To be honest I've been back dozens of times since the original post. I go almost every Saturday, actually. Funny thing is - I rarely buy anything. I know that doesn't make much sense but I liken it to the grocery store. I peruse all of the fruits and veggies yet very rarely bring any home due to... "The Pressure." I use quotation marks here to make it read much more intimidating than it really is. Using reality, all "The Pressure" really boils down to is the urge to eat all of your purchased produce before it goes bad. I've never been one to be wasteful and that's my hard earned cash slowly degrading on my kitchen counter/hidden refrigerator fruit drawer (once your food goes in that drawer it is over for that particular food. It will never be eaten. It's science and you can't argue with science). The truth is I just can't take "The Pressure." It gets to me in a bad way if you count getting to you in a bad way as eating it all the first day I bring it home. At this point I tend to just skip getting produce all together. Still, this never keeps me from planning on buying some every time I step foot in the Farmers Market. This time was no exception.

As I had always suspected, contrary to the claims of Presidents Of The United States, peaches are, in fact, not free. I was forced to pay very near 25 cents for mine. Actually it was exactly 25 cents. Who really wants the change? And yes, I only purchased one so as not to lose another one to my fridge drawer of doom. I even waited a day to eat the one I did get. Dare I say it was the best darned peach I've had in a dog's age (peaches always make me talk old-timey).

Now, in the winter I claimed disappointment in the fact that many of the vendors sell the same produce you can purchase in the local supermarket. Unfortunately the same still holds true in the summer. As I don't purchase perishables too often, I don't know the difference in savings between buying from the two, but I've seen others marvel at the low prices in the Farmers Market. I'm not sure it's enough to counter the extra gas you'll burn driving down, but there are plenty of other things to purchase here.

There are fresh meat, eggs and flowers; a great selection of interesting pastas and freshly baked bread; a whole store of fresh spices as well as a whole section with flea market-like selections. Yes, you too can support Michael Jackson's death by buying an over-priced shirt with his likeness and years not dead printed on the front.

One new addition this summer is a large indoor store with freshly butchered meats and a large selection of jarred goods. What makes this store different is that it is run by the Amish. Well, I haven't noticed any claims that the store is Amish, but either the people working there are wearing the least revealing pieces of flair ever, or they're indeed Amish. They even sell fresh sandwiches which, as you know, I'm a fan of. I almost had one too, but instead opted for Julia's Cafe and their awesome Red Beans and Rice. Next time I'll get one because I can't imagine they aren't good. I'm not sure if I believe that because the meat is likely fresh or from my strange unsubstantiated trust of the Amish. You have it too, admit it. I feel a bit brainwashed all of the sudden.

How do I sum up the Soulard Farmers Market? First of all I'll say it's very much worth it to go down there just for the people watching. The atmosphere is a bit electric with the vendors shouting out the deals and the distant sound of jazz and bluegrass floating in from the outer edges of the market where the musicians are allowed to set up. As far as food goes, it's a great place to buy fresh bread (don't forget to barter) and pastas. My favorite thing about the market are the true farmer's stands where locally grown and hand-picked fruit and vegetables are available for purchase. You never know what they'll have any time you go. One week they'll have bushels of blueberries and the next raspberries. I'm not sure there's a great way to tell which stand has the local stuff, but other than asking, I think the easiest way is to look for what they are unloading the fruit from. Wooden bushels is a good sign. Waxed boxes with logos are not. The local farmer is where I got my peach from. It was worth every cent.

I think I might take the old Oscar drawn buggy down there again this weekend. Now that I've eschewed electricity and running water for a simpler lifestyle I no longer have to worry about "The Pressure." Wait a second... Damn you Amish and your entrancing yet trustworthy lifestyle!!!